Bagel Press

man, i totally lost a great chance at a milli vanilli referenceyesterday with the whole “blame it on the rain” thing, so i choose tomention it now.

the update on my butt is that i’m not bleeding so much anymore, but itstill hurts like hell. i’ve been reading lots of online literature, andpersonal blogged accounts of others who have had problems with ‘number2′ (i’ve decided to henceforth refer to it as ‘number 2,’ single quotesand all) and i’ve come to the conclusion that i’ve just been ‘number2ing’ wrong my entire life.

a brief history of ‘numero dos de barry’:
-march 1980: barry is born, and presumably begins ‘number 2ing’
-1985-1986: on a diet of hard candy and soda with little to no fruitsor vegetables, barry becomes constipated and engages in a year ofsome of the most horrendous and painful number 2s ever. on a side note,due to a diet high in sugars, barry’s front two teeth die and turn darkbrown until they fall out in 1987.
-1987: barry goes to the doctor for his constipation and is told to eatmore fiber and drink lots of prune juice. barry discovers his bizarrelove for prune juice.
-1988: barry begins to like his grandma’s cooking better than mom’s,and begins to eat meals with grandparents instead of mom, dad andbrothers. grandma makes lunch every day of third grade, consisting ofrice balls, soda, a brownie and japanese snacks. barry subsequentlygets chronic diarrhea, during which time some scary looking things comeout of him which are too disturbing to write about at this time.
-1988: barry is taken off the grandma lunch program and returns to regularly scheduled sandwiches.
-1990′s: somewhere in this time barry develops lactose intolerance, anddespite explosive and spurting number 2s, his love for milkshakes,cheeseburgers, ice cream and clam chowder only grows as he enters highschool.
-1997: barry takes lactase dietary supplements for the first time toaid in the digestion of dairy. he is not good at remembering to takepills a full half hour before eating dairy, as eating dairy is oftenmore of an impromptu activity, so the lactase pills have no lastingeffect.
-2001: barry is stuck with no nearby bathroom as he develops theuncontrollable urge to erupt with number 2 at lollicup on sawtelleafter eating korean food. after bracing himself in the doorway asthough doing calf stretches (much to the amusement of his friends) heruns to CJ’s on Olympic and uses their grosser than gross bathroomwithout spilling a drop.
-2004: barry goes on antibiotics for an incredible case of tonsilitis,and afterwards finds that he is bleeding during ‘number 2.’ thiscontinues for a month while he administers wipes, creams, suppositoriesand any other number of things. he alters his diet to include morefiber and at least 5 servings of fruits and vegetables. while the’number 2′ itself improves, the process by which it is created does not.

and that brings us to now. and after doing all this research, i’ve cometo the conclusion that my relationship with ‘number 2′ has been sotumultuous that i just never really learned how to do it right.

for example, the way that i’ve always known when i need to go ‘number2′ is when i double over with abdominal pain. there’s rarely a calm,”hmm…i believe i need to ‘number 2.’” it’s more often “…” becausei’m running to a bathroom clutching my stomach seering with pain. sonow that i’m trying not to do that anymore (because i hear itaggrivates the roids) i have a difficult time deciphering my feelingsof possible ‘number 2′. it’s like, is this ‘number 2,’ or is it gas? doi want to make the trip all the way to the bathroom just to fart?

anyway, i’m having one of those confusing moments right now. cheers to a healthy gastrointestinal system.

UPDATE: success! number 2 is #1!!!

and now a word from the internet guy:

under no circumstances will the internet become unavailable BECAUSE OFRAIN. please don’t insist that “it must be the rain,” because i knowwhat i’m talking about when i say, “it can’t be the rain!”

i hooked up y’s laptop directly to the modem, and was able tosuccessfully connect. therefore, there’s nothing wrong with our dsl.we’ve restarted the router a billion times, and even replaced it, andyet we’re still having the same problem, so it’s unlikely that theproblem is with the router. furthermore, i can’t even connect to therouter’s user interface, so the problem *must* be occuring between mycomputer and the router.

the only other things on that side of the router is the switch thatwe’re all plugged into, and our computers themselves. so the problemmust be with one of those. seeing as how the switch is really, well,just a switch, it’s very unlikely that it’s a problem with that. i’venever heard of anyone’s switch having a problem.

therefore:

someone’s computer is fucking up our internet connection. i’m magicallyable to ping shit through the command window, so there’s still aconnection there i think, it’s just really small. it’s like the asssphincter of our internet has pinched a loaf and is no longer lettinganything through, except for the little farts.

so:

if your computer is magically opening porno sites seemingly by it’s ownwill, and sending millions and millions of packets within the first fewminutes of starting up your computer (before you even check your emailno less!) you should really have told me that before you startedblaming our internet woes on the rain.

and now a word from your domain administrator:

please don’t question my password assignment system. it’s not that hard to remember what the rule is for your password.

many of you have come to me and asked me to change your password and ihave obliged. i would venture to say that some have beenindignant and said things like “it doesn’t make sense” about my systemof assigning passwords, and yet i have complied and told you that inthe event that you forget or lose this password, it will suck to beyou.

but when you come back to me and tell me that you can’t remember whatpassword you chose, you’re SOL, because even as the domain admin, i’mnot privy to that info. so i have to just change it to whatever i want.

STOP WASTING MY TIME BY BEING INDIGNANT ABOUT SOMETHING AND THEN BEING STUPID ABOUT IT LATER.

bullet points:
• it’s a happy day when i can say that i haven’t bled during a bowel movement in three days
• it is also a sad day when my happy news to report is that i haven’t bled during a bowel movement in three days
• i dislike the thought that there are people who make between 75,000-100,000 dollars annually AND have visible abs. wtf? who has time for that? i haven’t even had time to clip my fingernails lately.
• i hate that on a mac, you don’t need to add file extensions, and that you can furthermore add periods to your filenames. i know that i’ve mentioned this before, but i truly think that macintosh is singlehandedly responsible for creating dumb people who break things.
• i think i want more tote bags. i’ve taken to bringing a tote bag to work, and it’s quite fun. i have a ton of fabric i should use up. a tote bag for every day of the week!
• i went through an entire month without a single visible pore on my nose. it was a fantastic time in my life. not a single blackhead, whitehead, or even indication that the skin on my nose had any means of respiration at all. i attribute this, in part, to the fact that i have been living a semi-sedentary/semi-healthy lifestyle. i haven’t eaten a whole lot of processed food lately, and have been taking good care of my skin, but more importantly, my idea of vigorous exercise has been doing isometric calf stretches on jason’s couch while watching repeats of That’s So Raven and O’Grady. but i started running again a couple weeks ago, and the rush of impurities that accompany sweat to the surface of my skin has not been kind to my pores. i’ve been taking some evasive maneuvers, but the impurities are staying one step ahead of me.
• i need a halloween costume.

since emai had to ask what i’m on today, i’d have to say PREPARATION H.

Of course by now you all know that i’ve been fighting a mean case ofhemmorhoids, as my suppository exploits are quite well documented. andyet here i am i month later, still bleeding like a fountain every timei move a bowel, feeling like i’m being split apart at the legs like awish bone. Even worse, because of my personal budget crisis, i amno longer able to afford suppositories, and have switched to the goopy,messy ointment instead. if you are not careful, that stuff WILL STAINYOUR DRAWERS.

I realize that this will prevent anyone reading this from EVER wantingto have SEX with me EVER EVER EVER, but i feel the need to not beashamed of my bleeding anus.

So, today i took a poop and didn’t bleed at all. how happy was i? stillhad a lot of pain, and i actually had to sing a little bit in thepublic restroom at work (i think it was “shake the disease” by depechemode a’la hooverphonic, how apropos..) to get everything nice andrelaxed, but other than that, everything was kosher.

more on my anus to come.

oh man! i forgot to wish everyone a happy coming out day! what the hell kind of faggot am i? shit shit shit.

Oh well, this is the time of year to remind everyone that NationalComing Out Day is October 11, which is also Eleanor Roosevelt’sbirthday! Coincidence? I think not.

This is also National Coming Out Week, during which i can scream “HAPPYN.COW! HAPPY N.COW!” all over the streets. so, happy cow it is.

love these commercials with folks that voted for bush in 2000, but are now voting for kerry in 2004.

http://www.errolmorris.com/html/election04/election04_main.html

yes…master…

because i’m a big jpop promoting zombie these days, and because i heardmost of it, and it’s not as bad as all the buzz would have you believe!

file under: things that consume my mind at 2am.

the fact that jennifer was only played by elizabeth shue in back to the future part 2 and 3. It was a completely different actress in the first movie, and i only realized this in the last year or so.

a picture of tomoya nagase from the band tokio, just cause he’s so hot. i think he’s ayumi hamasaki’s boyfriend. lucky bitch.